“Should a girl ask a guy on a date?” I’ve seen this question pop up on this site’s search word statistics multiple times and recently received this question via email from a reader.

My quick response is “No!”. However, I don’t want to just give you “my opinion”. We are going to take the next two days to explore this more deeply, because it is a very important question from a couple angles. First, it reflects the current culture and the trends within the dating world. More and more women are taking the upper hand in relationships. As Christian women we should be very careful about this trend. Second, I think it reflects a lack of trust in God to lead in relationships.

Let’s take a look at the history of dating in America:

Colonial Times to 1830: Marriage was an assumed part of life. A man who delayed marriage was considered lazy or unable to provide financially for a wife and family. Marriage was considered a necessity due to the tremendous work involved in daily life. Parents were highly involved in the timing of marriage, ie when a son could support a wife, but were not as involved in the dating itself. Boys and girls grew up together, knew each other, often went to the same church, etc. Matches were made based on similar social standing and respect, not based on a couple’s love or attraction. Love was something that might develop after marriage.

1830s - 1880s: During this time a transition took place. Men’s and women’s roles, and “spheres” became more divided. Whereas in the past boys and girls interacted together, now girls were being taught separate activities to begin learning to keep a home. Boys were taught to run the family farm or business and there was not a lot of interaction between them. Therefore, dating became more formal, was called “courtship”. “Romantic love” became the basis for the decision of marriage and parents approval was then formally requested. At this time the traditions of the white wedding gown and exchanging of rings for engagement began.

1880s - 1920s: By this time the separation between boys and girls was significant. Boys and girls went to separate schools and a girl’s “purity” was a high priority. At this time, chaperons entered the courtship scene to observe the couples discussion and interaction. Romantic love became more increasingly important, especially the emotional response of the man. Before speaking to one another, couples had to be formally introduced and then a girl’s mother would invite a young man to “call” on her daughter, with the mother present as a chaperon. Most of this type of dating occurred in the girl’s home, though a trend began of public dating at this time, especially in less well-to-do homes. During WWI, the men went to the battlefield, and women were left at home to fulfill the roles of both men and women, working in shops and industry, as well as, running the home. Dating of the college aged youth came to a halt for a time, but began in the younger ages of high school.

1920 - 1945: “Dating” as we know it today was emerging. It involved unchaperoned male/female interaction without any expected commitment. The “rules of dating” were determined by peers rather than by the community. Many attribute the rise in this type of dating to the arrival of cars and motion pictures. Regardless of the reason, a number of shifts took place. The control of the relationship switched from the woman and her family (dating in her home) to the control of the man. Dancing prior to this point was more of a group activity, but by the 1920s dancing was between a couple allowing for more physical contact. Cars also resulted in more independence and the couple’s privacy, ie parking in cars, etc. Dating and courtship became two separate stages of a relationship. Dating became a means to get to know each other, while courtship was the pursuit of marriage.

1945 - 1960: The biggest change in dating during this period is the age of those that were dating. Prior to this period, dating was primarily amongst college age adults. Whereas during this time, high schoolers started “going steady”. Going steady involved an exchange of rings or pins, telephone calls, weekly dating, and multiple “suitors”. Physical intimacy also increased during this time period so parents began encouraging earlier marriages to avoid these temptations. The average marrying age of the man was 22 and the woman was 20. Love was still considered the main reason for marriage and was viewed as the main source of happiness and fulfillment. Those that were single were pitied as unhappy and unfulfilled.

1960 - present: Feminism drastically changed dating and its effect is felt to the present day dating scene. In the 1960’s women began questioning the “female role” of staying at home and raising a family and began pursuing an education and career. Marriage and childbirth were seen as an exploitation of women. This viewpoint profoundly affected dating during this period. Also during this time a rebellion of youth against their parents resulted and the sexual revolution exploded. The pill became available in 1960 and within 3 years 2 million women were using it. Now women had the freedom to have physical intimacy without the possible consequences of pregnancy. In the 1950’s, a commitment to marriage was necessary for a woman to be intimate, in the 1970’s a couple must be “going steady”, but as of the 1990’s no commitment of any kind was “required”. Women began taking more of an upper hand in the smaller aspects of dating as well; initiating dates, paying or sharing the cost of the date.

Dating has changed drastically during these years and is now much less formal, with no set progression from first meeting to marriage. Cohabitation became a part of the current trends, and seems to likely be due to observance of parents involved in poor marriages and the desire to “try it out” before any commitment occurs. Studies show that 40%-50% of young people will live together at some point before age 30.

Recently though, there has been another trend, a trend toward youth returning home after college, extending their adolescence and avoiding dating and marriage altogether. You will note a previous entry of this site titled “Dating Drought?”. Thus, I believe the question of “Should a girl ask a guy out?” may have more to do with this newer phenomenon than the result of a feminist outlook, because I’m hearing this question from Christian women, not just non-Christians. So is it that Christian women have now been influenced by feminism, as well, or is it because youth date in packs today rather than one-on-one and that is unnatural?

As believers, our lives should be ordered by the Word of God, so tomorrow we’ll examine God’s Word to see if we can find a real answer to this question - stay tuned!

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This entry was posted on Friday, December 14th, 2007 at 3:48 am and is filed under Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.