Picking Up the Pieces When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
I sat in a church one day and hear a preacher compare marriage as a mixed drink. He said just imagine that you are red cordial and your partner is yellow cordial and when you join in marriage you mix and together you become orange. He went on to say that, ???Divorce is like trying to take the red cordial
back to red and the yellow back to yellow, but the fact of the matter is no matter what happens in court and on legal papers and no matter what you do, you will always look a little orange.???
He went on to say that although all a person who leaves a marriage wants to do is to wash out the memory of that marriage, no matter how many times they try and wash themselves they cannot escape the part of their partner in them.
He said, ???Divorce is not the solution to a bad marriage, but proper counseling for both partners and a healing of a marriage is!???
I was lucky to hear that message before my wife told me to leave the family home and I understood what the pastor was preaching on as my wife gave me the marching orders. I tried to reason with my wife to seek counseling and yet her mind was set on a one year separation and then a divorce which is law in our country Australia.
Well I am not sure about you, but most of what I did for the first six months was cry and cry and cry. My wife loved me at some stage, I had what they call a co-dependant marriage and she was all I lived for. And when she left I seriously flirted with the thought of suicide until my brother gave me a reason to live.
The sad thing for the person who has been left is that the former partner has had the speeches and plans well worked out before they make the move. They have already consulted expert opinions like people on here give and they have discussed it with their friends. The separation does not take them by surprise, and they are not the one with shell shock when it happens and so they hit the road of separation and divorce running as it were, and if control is not issued they can run off with their plans.
When my wife left me all I had was my tattered half baked relationship with Jesus Christ. And as my wife drove off down the road I entered a new church and started to fellowship with some really nice Christians.
The pastor at that church took me aside and told me not to enter any relationship for at least two years. He said that for a number of reasons.
I should give myself time to forgive and to heal and to find myself.
I should give my wife time to come to a good place as a single women and work on restoring some sort of friendship and pray that God might heal and restore our marriage.
I should give all the prospective females the respect due to them and make sure I have ???found??? myself and I have forgiven and healed before I take my problems and baggage into a new relationship. I should spend some of that time in personal counseling for what makes me tick and why my marriage broke down in respect for a future partner.
So those are the three steps I suggest you take at this early time in this dreadful mess you find yourself in.
There is not much more heartbreaking then to lose someone you love. Today I lost a lady that I really love and tremendous respect for and on the same day I lost a lady friend. It sort of got me in the mood to write something from my heart.
God has a plan for your life. In our lives we go from one relationship to another. In school we had friends and some really close. Then we grow up move cities and lose friends. We go to different works move around in careers and lose work friends. We go to different social clubs or churches and make friends there and then sometimes we move on and lose contacts with people there. Life is in flux, it is a continual state of change like liquid metal pouring down a pipe into a mold that when the mold is full, it sets and makes something useful.
We are all being molded, and some people have a large effect on our life, and some have a minor role. But even some of the people that had only a little role in our life can have a tremendous affect on us simply by one profound thing they said that effected us.
Jesus said, ???You cannot serve two masters. Either you will love one and despise the other, or love the second and despise the first.??? Then he went on to say, ???You cannot serve God and Money.???
We have a rich world and a poor world and the rich world gets rich on the backs of the poor. Religion is not often the cause of most wars, most often if your look carefully its some commodity or monetary reward.
Jesus put his finger on the main problem in our world. Our insatiable desire for money and wealth instead of relationship with God.
So too we can have idols in other things. Sometimes we may look to a partner to ???complete us.??? Sometimes we worship the other person and they are like a god to us and when that break down and they walk out, this is very traumatic.
This is a time to take stock and look at our life. Just as Jesus statement about not serving two masters, I hope that one sentence or paragraph in this article strikes a chord in you.
Your partner was just a part in the molding process of who you are to become. Sure if she/he has it set in their mind to separate and divorce there is little you can do but be civil, deal with issues with patience and pray.
Some of you might be in the midst of custody arrangements already and a fight might erupt over the children.
Please, I know it is hard, but a child cannot fight and is an innocent, please try not to fight over time with your children like they are a piece of furniture.
As a male, it is quite hard to have a wife agree to give you more then two days every two weeks with your child. Joint custody is almost impossible to achieve if a wife has it set in her head that is not going to happen.
Remember any argument needs two parties to participate in order for it to happen. If your wife or husband is being totally unreasonable in custody arrangements that is par for the course in separation and divorce. It may be hard to accept that you might not achieve joint custody but one thing you don??â„¢t want is to have a big fight that hurts the children.
I speak from a position of a person that almost achieved joint custody, and from a male that failed in this area. One of the custody fights put me into my first nervous breakdown.
Sure the children are young now, but young minds have memories. Children are not stupid and they know bitterness in your voice when you talk of their other parent when they hear it. So be sure to keep any legal fighting and maneuvering out of their earshot and out of your conversation.
One day I got really frustrated at my former wife and told my son I was going to get even with his mother.
My son started to cry.
I asked him what was the matter and he at eight years of age said.
???She??â„¢s my mum dad. You can??â„¢t hurt her. I love her and I don??â„¢t want you to hurt my mother.???
I bowed my head in shame and stopped fighting.
Two months later my wife re-married and told me I could no longer have access to my child, and it would take a court case to enforce my right.
I walked away from my son that day. I prayed for him and gave him up to God and for eight years on special days I cry over my son.
But I have not seen his mother since her wedding day. His new father has legally adopted him and given my son his last name and there was nothing I could do about that.
But I have been true to my son and not fought.
Some of the biggest bullies in the world are the weakest characters in the world. Some people just act badly from inner pain. If your spouse has left you, you may be shaking your head wondering what went wrong, but understand that people that are hurting hurt people.
It??â„¢s not the time in your life to fight with a partner that no longer wants to be with you. It??â„¢s to wish them well and bid them a good life without you. Sure you might not be able to say that right now, but try and keep that as a goal. Try and be able to say one day that you wish them every success.
I have a strange theology that has me firm in my convictions that I cannot marry twice, yet that aside, I would prefer no other women as my wife then the mother of my child. Staying single for the rest of my life is sort of a living memorial to her, just as a widower might stay single to respect the wife he was so devoted to.
Remember. Your partner gave you some good times. They said some funny things, they made you laugh, and they really made love to you and possibly gave you children. Don??â„¢t let all of the good memories be burnt up in an inferno called divorce and custody fights.
So she wants 90% of the assets seeing as she has the children. So she won??â„¢t let you see your children and already has a new boyfriend and is fighting you with a legal team and won??â„¢t take your calls. Your whole life is in a mess.
If this is so try and keep a level head.
Try and think of the good times. You have a choice. You can ruin all the good that you had, or you can be a person full of love for your partner till the law says you are no longer husband and wife.
My wife is still my wife in my eyes. In fact I have just finished compiling my second book and I have dedicated the book to her.
Wouldn??â„¢t we all be in a mess if God gave up on us so easily as some of us give up on friendships and marriages?
Yes there are many reasons for marriage breakup. Go and work on your problems and find out where you went wrong and heal your life. Be kind, and fight with love and bravery and love your way though this time ahead.
Let me pray for you
Father in heaven
Whether this person believes in you or not I ask that you lead them to people that give them the same advice that I have given them here. Take their hand and lead them closer to the meaning of sacrificial love the kind of Love you are well versed in as you sent your Son to die for us with. Give them new friends and the courage to make new friends and You hold their hands through this even if they cannot feel your hand or see you. Take them through this storm and put them on dry ground like Jonah in the belly of the whale.
In Jesus name I ask
Amen
Matthew shares his heart in these articles and can be found at http://www.online-prayer.net You can read more of his articles at his link below.
If you want a copy of his upcoming book of articles which will have the first sixty of the articles on this web-site called “The Musings of a Mad Prophet” please contact Matthew via email so he can contact you around February 2007 to tell you of the progress of the book.
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