Divorced? Alone? Before You Set Sail Into The Sunset, Is Your Dock Built?
All too often separated, divorced or widowed people fall into a new relationship too quickly. Before they grieve properly, because of loneliness, a need to be affirmed or even as a result of financial considerations. They either breathe a warm and fuzzy sigh of excitement or just do not think. It
feels better than being alone or the haze of ???love??? sets in, obliterating common sense and the ramifications of this new life.
The relationship is fine at first. The glow of being someone??鈩 ???special one??? feels wonderful and all is well with the universe. But then, what happens when disenchantment sets in for one or the other partner? Gradually partnerships begin to disintegrate and the pain of loneliness returns. Memories and comparisons are made with the old spouse and the sniping begins??鈥漚nother broken relationship! One or both are thrown back onto the abyss of anger, disbelief, resentment, hurt and even self-hatred. The process of grief must be begun and tolerated again. It is not an easy undertaking.
How does one avoid this unnecessary journey?
Avoiding that old painful trek into loneliness requires a great deal of self-caring, a lot of determination and a plan! You plan for a birthday party, a date, a trip to the beach. As calculated as it sounds, why wouldn??鈩 you plan for a relationship, a journey into your future and eventually, your happiness? Before you take your expensive yacht out into the sunset, wouldn??鈩 you need a dock to return to? Why gamble with your life??娄.your happiness? Is your life more important than the above-mentioned events?
Self-love is important!
The need for feeling loved and appreciated is a human need, very natural and proper. The desire to be loved comes from God. The desire to give love comes from God, The Original Lover, the Creator of all mankind. Without a healthy love for one’s self, there is not much hope for a successful union. To love yourself, you have to know yourself.
Individual??鈩 perception of love can be different, depending on their childhood familial experiences and concepts. If love and acceptance did not exist, it would be difficult for one to conceive of them as being lovable and will expect less in return. If two people come from a different perspective of what love consists of, problems could evolve. Talk about that.
BUILDING THE DOCK
Finding a plan begins with self-examination. If you can??鈩 stand being alone, and don??鈩 enjoy your own company, how can you expect someone else to love being alone with you?
?路 You have to love yourself if you expect someone else to love you. The way to love yourself is to get to know who you are, good, bad or indifferent.
?路 Making an actual list of priorities and goals and knowing what you want and need, will help you feel fulfilled.
?路 Discovering your talents and abilities can be an adventure. Are you adventurous or a ???fraidy cat???? Why not try some new things? You may find that something you tried is not for you, but at least you??鈩l know it from your own experience.
Anne decided to challenge her fear of roller coasters. She did it twice, was terrified and decided two times was enough, but had the pride of knowing that at 60 years old she had challenged herself and won. She went on to canoeing with an experienced canoeing friend and literally fell in love with it. She doesn??鈩 swim either. Her self-esteem raised a few notches because she conquered fears that were nonsensical. Why not try new things, you may find that acting young again will make you feel young and free. Age has nothing to do with joy.
Other suggestions for getting to know who you are.
Make lists of:
?路 Your interests, sports, reading, travel, etc.
?路 Your value system, trust, honesty, acceptance, family
?路 Your good points, understanding, good listener, loving, patient
?路 Your lesser abilities, impatient, anger easily, spend too much
?路 Your hopes and dreams for the future. A family, home, better job, kids
?路 Do you know how to have fun? How?
?路 What are the things that make you laugh? Movies, people, silliness
?路 Is religion important to you? How important?
?路 Where does God fit into your life? Does He fit in? This could be a deal breaker
?路 If you could not reach your goals, would it take away from your general
?路 Happiness? How adaptable are you?
?路 How much compromising are you willing to do? On religion, money issues, work issues, politics
?路 Make a collage from pictures from old magazines of your hopes, dreams and wishes. You will be amazed, down the road, at how many of them come true.
Final points to consider
?路 Do not commit to a person who is married, not divorced or still emotionally attached to another partner-this kind of commitment can lead to heartache.
?路 Living together ???to see if you are compatible??? is not the answer. Without commitment, there is no sense of responsibility to the relationship. Regardless of what the modern magazines, TV and attitudes proclaim, it either results in broken hearts or an extended journey to nowhere. You are better than that and deserve more.
?路 If you find someone you feel comfortable with, become friends first. Learn as much as you can about each other before the thought of commitment enters the situation. If you can??鈩 like the person or something about them unnerves you, how could you possibly share every day with them?
?路 Don??鈩 be rushed, pushed, or shamed into committing if you are not sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You already know how it feels to fail at marriage, if you are divorced, so why put yourself through that pain again?
WANT to be a better person.
Jack Nicholson, in the movie, AS GOOD AS IT GETS, said of his intended, ???She makes me want to be a better man!??? What a wonderful compliment!!! If you truly love someone, you will be willing to wait for all things to come together to make the relationship ???right.??? This only can be accomplished when you are mature enough to recognize that love is desiring the best for the other person, not just yourself. (They must show the same consideration for you.) You will be a better person when you come to this realization.
It??鈩 possible that you may even find that the truest love will be to let the other person go.
An old 70??鈩 poster on my daughter??鈩 bedroom door read: ???If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it??鈩 yours, if it doesn??鈩, it was never meant to be.???
Respect for self, caring love and sincere concern for each other, are the stepping-stones for a lasting relationship. Taking time to build your own dock, first, means you care enough to give your very best self, but also to expect to receive the very best.
Remember, with no dock to return to, you??鈩l just be drifting aimlessly, in the water.
Pat Hubbard
618 Minute Men Rd.
Virginia Beach, Va. 23462-2234
757-499-0843
Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people for the past 11 years. She has been one of the Board Members and the writer/ producer of “SINGLES PERSPECTIVES” a newsletter for Single Friends in Christ, a social group for Singles in Virginia Beach. Besides writing, Coaching separated, divorced and widowed persons occupies most of her time. Patricia Hubbard, 757-499-0843, butterfly15332992@yahoo.com
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